Thanksgiving 2012

First thanksgiving I ever spend with a bf besides being alone or with family or friends when younger. Wasn't what I expected it to be. Not saying it wasn't great the food and company were awesome! But I couldn't help but think about the turkey days I had growing up good and bad. I'm drinking and on mdication for uti (I'm not suppposed to) but whatever. But what I'm trying to get at is the end of the night me billy n erica get into a conversation about life its purpose and decisions. (Of course I do nothing but listen) and I feel billy is bothered by it. And I don't blame him sometimes my thoughts and emotions don't make sense sometimes I don't want to think I don't want to feel. They re talking about purpose and idk mine still. I have a idea but what if I'm wrong. Even writing this I can't express my feelings. But as much as I can express my thoughts through writtten words I can lessly express through spoken speech. I wish I knew what to say every tim someone asked me a question. I wish I knew what people meant when they said it.

a girl with more issues than me

Me and raven have had our talks about our past. Mine is I can't tell the difference between reality and what false emotions and memories I have implanted in my head. Hers are far more worse. She was raped by her step dad at 11 until she was 16. Finally came up with a plan to catch him in fear of disbelief and retaliation on his part. Every time she sees a girl within that age she cries especially when she drinks. She becomes almost like my second personality joanna. Very aggressive and non tolerant. Except she cries far more worse than me. And very beligerant. Today I let her paint my nails im guessing she had already been drinking besides the fact she did fake ecstasy yesterday with a escort friend from atlanta. Lol my nails are black with cool cracking gold polish on top. I didn't even want to watch her paint my nails as I knew the results. Haha my feet were almost all black but I let her to distract her.

Here at coconuts

With my friends shit faced wasted I drank just as much as them and im sober. I think im officially a alcoholic..