Torn In between

Torn in between me and reality.
What i see what i feel and what I'm supposed to do.  Three men one heart and a lost key. One is the man one is the cutie one is the one who gives me a few feelings. They all know a different side of me but none of them know the same. It sounds insane but i have so much in my brain.  Mind body and soul i guess they just don't agree on who I am and who i need to be.
One wants the money, one wants the love, one wants the dream but i can't have all three.  One wants a home, two someone to hold the other a life to call their own. 
I want heaven I fear hell  i live on earth.  Stuck in between I can't figure out me.

Scott storch

I googled u a few days after I met you. I read all these horrible things. But our first conversation and the way u pretended to make me feel made me double think everything else.  Thought id give you a chance. I thought you were real and we could of just been friends or even nothing but I guess those weren't your intentions. You didn't have to lie, or embarass me. I should of known better.  I guess realiness is too much to ask from hollywood. And I guess I'm still young and thinking life is disney.

Tailar left

Also tailar left... she said our friendship was fading.. its not that its just my heart n mind are numb. Im alone again in florida... no friends... everyone left to go see their families... I can't bare to see mine... it will only hurt more.. I decided to spend christmas alone. Its okay im used to lonely holidays... just wish I knew how to make more friends and not just bar friends.. well tailar left for the better hoping she progresses at her moms... she was starting to lie alot.. and getting back into drugs and things.. I kinda started trying coke.. (when I got too drunk) so I've decided to stay away from alcohol.. maybe one or two drinks... ugh. I got so shit faced the other day.. I ended up being a creeper and going into billy's room and I guess kissing on him(im so embaressed) but what can I do I can't take it back.. guess it was a drunk routine to hop in his bed.. which isn't good maybe I ruined the perfect relationship with all my issues and bad habits. But im not going to beat myself up. Good and bad things happen and life goes on...

so me and billy broke up

He actually broke up with me... after leaving me at his house for four hours with no warning.. I kind of saw it coming but I only pushed the situation by going to jacksonville with a old customer who liked me and was going to pay for my time... being the brat that I am and alcoholic.. I got drunk n mean to customer thought he left and left with these other guys who would take me n my friend home the next day. Well I text billy being honest he blows up cursing ( first time he ever cursed at me) and broke up with me. I don't get it everything was so perfect I spent thanksgiving with him we went shopping.. I was working on trying to express myself more and be more open... I guess that's why I stopped trying in the first place... because of this.. another heartache.. another reason to cry and think ill never fall in love. Ill always be the girl everyone is afraid to love or takes for granted. This world is so lonely.. if its not my loss they want.. its their own selfish motives.. I don't want to give my heart.. but I want someone to earn it :( I really thought he was the one to at least open my eyes to better begginings.

Thanksgiving 2012

First thanksgiving I ever spend with a bf besides being alone or with family or friends when younger. Wasn't what I expected it to be. Not saying it wasn't great the food and company were awesome! But I couldn't help but think about the turkey days I had growing up good and bad. I'm drinking and on mdication for uti (I'm not suppposed to) but whatever. But what I'm trying to get at is the end of the night me billy n erica get into a conversation about life its purpose and decisions. (Of course I do nothing but listen) and I feel billy is bothered by it. And I don't blame him sometimes my thoughts and emotions don't make sense sometimes I don't want to think I don't want to feel. They re talking about purpose and idk mine still. I have a idea but what if I'm wrong. Even writing this I can't express my feelings. But as much as I can express my thoughts through writtten words I can lessly express through spoken speech. I wish I knew what to say every tim someone asked me a question. I wish I knew what people meant when they said it.

a girl with more issues than me

Me and raven have had our talks about our past. Mine is I can't tell the difference between reality and what false emotions and memories I have implanted in my head. Hers are far more worse. She was raped by her step dad at 11 until she was 16. Finally came up with a plan to catch him in fear of disbelief and retaliation on his part. Every time she sees a girl within that age she cries especially when she drinks. She becomes almost like my second personality joanna. Very aggressive and non tolerant. Except she cries far more worse than me. And very beligerant. Today I let her paint my nails im guessing she had already been drinking besides the fact she did fake ecstasy yesterday with a escort friend from atlanta. Lol my nails are black with cool cracking gold polish on top. I didn't even want to watch her paint my nails as I knew the results. Haha my feet were almost all black but I let her to distract her.

Here at coconuts

With my friends shit faced wasted I drank just as much as them and im sober. I think im officially a alcoholic..