In the middle of the night

Through the thoughts of my research I must remember not to loose my faith and forget my teachings. I must remind myself why I am doing what I am doing and keep in prayer and ask to not be mislead or to be in fear. I must remember the main reason is not to prove to myself there is a god. I know this but to put myself in everyone elses shoes and see from their eyes and return to them their faith through my personal experience and findings. Like right now my phone should be dead as always I wanted to remember my thoughts but knew in the morning I would forget. I didn't even want to reach for my phone "knowing" it would be dead. But something told me that because I MUST remember these thoughts it would still be on... and look.. I am writing. I must remeber to keep myself in gods hands and trust in him, not believe I know everything and definately not convince myself. To not grow weak in a situation but remember why I am in that situation. To not look down on myself because god is forgiving and he sent his only son to die for the forgiveness of our sins and mary the virgin the mother to pray for us all. Remember the pilgrimages, remember your experiences. Do not become astray

Motivation

I seem to lose and gain motivation at the blink of an eye. I struggle to stay focused and to know what I am actually working towards. I feel like my morals and my ideas clash. Like I'm two people in one. One wants to be this positive idol. While the other is seeking fame and a big name. Yes it sounds crazy both ideas don't usually pertain to every person. But for some reason I think I'm special that ican accomplish anything. Maybe its just the crazy side of me.. the desperate to get ahead... whatever it takes followed by a good story. I need to keep god close... he is the reason I'm still here.. I still blackout I found that out Saturday.. the last I remember is dancing at the club then somehow I ended up running away from the people I was with and ended up getting lost. Cuts and bruises all over my body. And no recolation of why I did it. (No one put anything in my drink) just another "karen" moment. I'm talking to evelyn again. Found out she heard rumors I came here because I'm prego ha funny. But anywho goodnight

Feelings at night

The feeling of anxiety overcomes me. My sins drown me in darkness and the room becomes hot. I start to hear things and fear quiets my thoughts and overwhelms my body. I pray and even more it attacks me the feeling of not being worthy of his mercy or precence. But a voice inside tells me that "there is nothing love cannot face" and that is greater than any love there is. Is the love of god. The feeling of calm and tears of joy. When all the faces of the peopke you love appear in your mind because he has blessed you with them. My mother, my grandparents,and the love I need to learn... to love myself. So I play worship music in the night of anoyance... talking to god in my thoughts... sweeping out the evil this night. Because every night is a battle... when you want to call someone to talk to, to vanquish these feelings and moment to spur the thoughts. But no one is around and the only person I should seek is god I want to trust him. And have my faith yell out to him. And feel I only need him. Senor mio dios mio. Ten piedad de mi.

date number one sd/sb

so yesterday was the first date off the sugar daddy website. i made sure there was a knife in my purse jsut in case he was a weirdo. he picked me up and the first thing i see is his car.i was disappointed to not see a newer car, it was an older mercedes and not the clasical older but older like umm get a ypgrade older. so we leave to the restaurant and hes looking up places im like ok lets test him. we try to go to a nice italian place but they close at ten. ok so then we decide apple bees. ( i am so hungry from starving myself at home im too embarressed to eat too much since i dont pay for groceries) so i didnt care. we both order the sirloin skip dessert because dessert awaited me. i kept telling myself "karen play your part dont be overwhekmed do it like the movies" i did pretty good convincing myself. so we go to wlmart and uy chocholate icecream bars and strawberries and champagne. we go to the hotel were he requesta room with a jacuzzi. it was like the movies i cant  except i dint not want to see him naked i told myself so hard to keep my composure and compared to other times i did. i didnt cry and i didnt think i "acted" the whole time. thank god there where bubbles in the jacuzzi thouhg. then he wanted a massage and fell asleep. thank god nothing else happend. i swear god blesses me more than i deserve. the next morning i feard since i did not do what most girls do he would refuse to pay me or talk to me everagin. so i just waited to see how things oannd out. he fortunately gave me money and liked me very much.

i hate to do this to myself, but i just really haveto come on top of everything. hopefully i can stay strong and keep my wittyness and acting up. see how long it lasts me until i am totally on my feet. at least with a car that s my number one goal out here in florida.

god blesae have mercy on my less deserving soul. help me accomplish everything i seek. and that this road i take takes me to the path of what i must really do.  let me find you god, and let me find myself.

t