another heartbreak

L<p>Im very picky with who I choose to like, and jonathan was the last guy I liked, and I liked him for almost four years. Then I come to Florida and meet this great guy. He was perfect! Everything and more I ever wanted in a guy, almost too good to be true and now I come to find out he was. We talked almost every night on the phone, texted all the time had great conversations. I swore this one was different. We never slept together we never did more than kiss every once in a while. I don't know how he could just lie to me and make me think he liked me too. I don't know its just so sudden, we were just testing yesterday. Im afraid maybe he found out I was dancing again... it sucks. Im really torn and hurt I cried I want to keep crying but I can't let myself. I don't want to keep being the pretty girl everyone wants but never loves. God please send me a great man. Please.. I know I don't deserve one but that's all ib ask for. Help me better myself. Love myself.

I missed mass today but i prayed

since I've been here I came with good intentions. To come and leave a new person. But now I wonder if I should use all my worst for the best of me. I mean that has always been my intentions.. but I've fallen again. As you know.

I've been confused, my intentions and thoughts. Keep going in circles and circles. So I got on my knees b got for guideness and a scripture to randomly open.. and in the future I need to reread this and keep reading it to remind myself

Ezequiel. 33 1-9,

Oh and another thought

As I started to daydream and I was thinking about when I publish my book and what not and get on a show where they interview me and they ask me a question like. " and where do you get these ideas and why do you believe them"

My response would be"  I don't know"

Crazy right then they would try and embaress me with some kind of comment and I would reply

"Well I don't know, how do we know anything. I don't believe everything I see, I believe only half of what I hear. Just like the people who don't believe in god their only reason is they haven't seen or heard him. So why would I believe everything a human says, writes, or" finds". Because all of our facts are first based off theories, which then get tested proved and unproved. The only known fact that we know exists are the material of which we are created, and astrology everything besides that is a theory. The theories on all the historical beliefs, religions, buildings, writings, languages, so much is gone and we create our own ideas and prove them right accordingly to the evidence found that we somehow manipulate to match and make sense hence creating these IDEAS. But everything we think we know we don't. We weren't made to know everything.

And of course that would turn into another big discussion where I wouldn't know how to reply Haha.

Ok so for today I think im done thinking lol

:)

Feeling/sensation of bugs crawling on you

Do you ever get that sensation of bugs crawling under your skin. I do ALOT and I hate it, must be some medical term for it or whatever im sure I've researched it and forgot. But in my weird little head of ideas and weird illogical thinking the reason I feel the bugs and they really feel like bugs not a twitch, is because im already dead. My body is buried and right now what im living is the rerun of my life maybe like a second chance to save my soul. ( which also explains the sensation of dejavu) well at least in my crazy little head I know its not. Dejavu from what I remember is when one side of the brain takes longer to process a memory that reminds you of that exact moment you are "reaccuring" and gives the sensation that you already lived that experience.. something around those lines. Idk. Just thought I would blog it before I forgot. As I was laying and got the little bug sensation on my stomach while looking out the window finishing up my previous blog.

Guys

I love them especially the sexy ones. But I can never get past the three day rule. The first time you hang out its cute, the second night you might kiss.. and then the third day they want a REAL kiss ( you know lounge and stuff) but I never really anticipate that day. Even though I should I really don't. Because now in our generation after a kiss there's really nothing much more to anticipate but sex. And I know its hard to believe but in all honesty I come to hate sex more and more. Willingly and sober I have never had sex. The only time would probably be my first time (when I lost my virginity) and with my tattoo guy recently from phoenix. (The first time I was a little drunk and the second time I was sober) he could tell I wasn't all there the second time I even cut it short and we didn't finish. Maybe 2 more times with other guys I don't think I can remember but I am sure that I didn't finish, or enjoy it. Maybe I can remember even crying when I sober up during sex. Or pretending I fall asleep so they will stop.

Sex should be something I enjoy as a human being... and anticipate with someone special. But anytime I've tried I can't. Maybe I haven't found the special person, and even when I like a guy I can't.

Like Jonathan, the guy I've liked for so long and so much even had to have a few drinks before I could, imagine that's almost 4 years with him.

Lately, here in Florida I don't even want to meet guys what for I don't want to date them, idont want to sleep with them. I guess it might be the fact that I don't have anything to anticipate. I hate this generation, I remember being 15 anticipating my first kiss, thinking I was going to wait til marriage for sex. Then I turned 18 met the biggest asshole of my life ( thought the cutest) and then I became just like everyone else.

Its so common now to sleep around meet someone no strings attached no feelings, and EXPECT sex from someone you barley know. and as hard as I want to push myself into this norm of thinking I can't. Ill never want to be the girl that got to sleep with a famous person I want to be the girl the famous person married. I don't want to say oh yah I slept with him I want to say oh ya hes a great guy.

I know I've had my share and countless numbers of relations which im not proud of but what's even more shameful I can't remember ever really enjoying myself.

Im still the girl that closes her eyes in a movie when nude pops up or sex ( kissing I can handle but not nudity)

I am a weird child lol. But maybe one day once I get my thoughts and life together ill puzzle it all together and make the best of the worst that I lived. Because god blessed me into a wonderful home, im the one that made a mess of things.

Thinking back to elementary and middle school the only thing I ever wanted was to fit in, and as hard as I try even to this day I still can't.

On the outside im the girl everyone wants to date, love, and show off. Some actually want to get to know me, they say im beautiful, kind, smart, different. It "seems" they know me. But I don't even know myself. I know my dreams, my intentions, I break my morals, I try and overcome all my obstacles through sacrificing alot of my thoughts and feelings and opinions to matters.

And I pretend to fit in, when inside im dying to run away.

the day i bought my ball pythons

so today i bought my ball pythons, spent every last dollar to buy them for the photo shoot i have planned with the aphrodite theme.

right now im trying to compare and find things that link aphrodite with a snake,

What a snake symbolizes,

The snake goddess statue

The snake in the egyption culture.. the one who is the daughter of ra and his wife that is represented with horns.

*greeks used snakes in healing rituals
*This copper snake according to the Biblical text is wrapped around a pole and used for healing. Book of Numbers 21:9 

I know i might feel a little crazy trying to link everything together its almost impossible but knowledge never hurt anyone.


i loved that i found this quote though "The serpent is one of the oldest and most widespread mythological symbols. The word is derived from Latin serpens, a crawling animal or snake. Snakes have been associated with some of the oldest rituals known to humankind^[1] and represent dual expression^[2] of good and evil.^[3]

but before i even looked up snakes i was looking at mine and wondering and asking myself the same thing. in my religion snakes are saught to be sneaky and deceiving and terrifying, (ill admit i was a bit frightend to buy them)

but i looked at them and noticed they had personalities (both of which i consist of) the cute nice shy one, and then the more aggresive, strong, determined one. ) i was associating myself with them and thought of the "dual expression"

now im just trying to find names for them.

Panic attacks

The sensation of guilt fear and going crazy. The reason for this is the less blood in the brain heads,toward the body that needs it, like the adreline rush. Most of the times whrre the panic attack starts you want to fight or flight the situation, I guess that explains my blackouts and running when I drink I assume that I,had a panic attack and would,take,off running

Myself the day i watched "silenced"

I've taught myself to conquer most situations. But when I'm alone there's no more pretending. I can convince others and sometimes myself. But when I'm alone I feel it alll heavier then I would at the moment. No one to trust no one to love no one to talk to. I left to try anew but people will be people. I lose my hope and strengths. Then one day I'm great. Maybe I'm bi polar maybe I'm just still getting settled in.. this risk I took this life I chose is one bigger than I had hoped

Also this movie silienced disgusts me human perversion
Has become so animal like. What is becoming of human kind

The night after inner room

My first night dancing at inner room, afterwards I'm hanging out eith julie, corona mike and a dancer she is singing and playing the guitar. Awsome voice 39 looks like she's at leat 26 awsome voice so inspiring and mind bobbling how ppl are outside of work. It inspires me to play the guitar... that your never too old.. I'm afraid of growing old.. but time isn't a limit.. time is life.. and everyday we can learn something new... I want to follow my words and learn the guitar.
I'm only human we all make mistakes.. I forgive you we are all human we all make mistakes.. that's her lyrics..