Guys

I love them especially the sexy ones. But I can never get past the three day rule. The first time you hang out its cute, the second night you might kiss.. and then the third day they want a REAL kiss ( you know lounge and stuff) but I never really anticipate that day. Even though I should I really don't. Because now in our generation after a kiss there's really nothing much more to anticipate but sex. And I know its hard to believe but in all honesty I come to hate sex more and more. Willingly and sober I have never had sex. The only time would probably be my first time (when I lost my virginity) and with my tattoo guy recently from phoenix. (The first time I was a little drunk and the second time I was sober) he could tell I wasn't all there the second time I even cut it short and we didn't finish. Maybe 2 more times with other guys I don't think I can remember but I am sure that I didn't finish, or enjoy it. Maybe I can remember even crying when I sober up during sex. Or pretending I fall asleep so they will stop.

Sex should be something I enjoy as a human being... and anticipate with someone special. But anytime I've tried I can't. Maybe I haven't found the special person, and even when I like a guy I can't.

Like Jonathan, the guy I've liked for so long and so much even had to have a few drinks before I could, imagine that's almost 4 years with him.

Lately, here in Florida I don't even want to meet guys what for I don't want to date them, idont want to sleep with them. I guess it might be the fact that I don't have anything to anticipate. I hate this generation, I remember being 15 anticipating my first kiss, thinking I was going to wait til marriage for sex. Then I turned 18 met the biggest asshole of my life ( thought the cutest) and then I became just like everyone else.

Its so common now to sleep around meet someone no strings attached no feelings, and EXPECT sex from someone you barley know. and as hard as I want to push myself into this norm of thinking I can't. Ill never want to be the girl that got to sleep with a famous person I want to be the girl the famous person married. I don't want to say oh yah I slept with him I want to say oh ya hes a great guy.

I know I've had my share and countless numbers of relations which im not proud of but what's even more shameful I can't remember ever really enjoying myself.

Im still the girl that closes her eyes in a movie when nude pops up or sex ( kissing I can handle but not nudity)

I am a weird child lol. But maybe one day once I get my thoughts and life together ill puzzle it all together and make the best of the worst that I lived. Because god blessed me into a wonderful home, im the one that made a mess of things.

Thinking back to elementary and middle school the only thing I ever wanted was to fit in, and as hard as I try even to this day I still can't.

On the outside im the girl everyone wants to date, love, and show off. Some actually want to get to know me, they say im beautiful, kind, smart, different. It "seems" they know me. But I don't even know myself. I know my dreams, my intentions, I break my morals, I try and overcome all my obstacles through sacrificing alot of my thoughts and feelings and opinions to matters.

And I pretend to fit in, when inside im dying to run away.