Miami for a week

Pretty cool very fun. Went to a few clubs and bars. We stayed in the vice presidential suite amazing view. I did molly for the first time (my first time was supposedly with julie but I lied and pretended I was too scared) I liked it though so much better than extacy. Did it almost everyday I didn't trip until the night I smoked weed. Thoughts and thoughts and thoughts kept rushing in. I kept talking to josh oh btw the guys we came with we met were from the strip club. Ended up being really cool people. Josh paid for everyone and everything. He not once tried to even think of disrespecting me. I appreciated it alot. First guy to not try anything and no he's not gay. But still even though we go out I can't help but want everyones attention. Now im confused do I want someone to like.. or someone who will give me a good life. But after this" vacation" I need to get my things together. Im thinking maybe the army to pay off my school or find a live in sugardaddy or sugar daddy to pay my rent while I get a Real job. And go back to school Idk but I need to hurry. Im thinking of living in Miami Idk everything a clutter ill see. Anywho maybe clear water tomorrow with felix ( possible sugar daddy)

Agh

So right now my situation is being in cocoa beach with ready no place to stay. I stay everywhere hotels friends house keiths mansion but im not set anywhere. God has blessed my ridiculous life style and provided me with a place to stay every night. Even when I ran off until 7 am drunk met a completely unknown stranger who offered me his (of course male) hotel room and spare bed. He did try and cuddle and touch me but once I brushed him off he got the hint. Then I meet this cool surfer dude from work and he's teaching me how to surf but it makes me uneasy because I know what he wants. I had no place to shower and get ready for work and he also got a hotel and let me hygiene myself. He has money and I know I want to do the whole sugardaddy thing but I just can't have sex sober. And I don't want to. He wants to take me to Puerto Rico to surf I don't mind but no sex.. and not even kissing. Idk my life style is crazy I really need to settle down and get my stuff together so I can have my happily ever after. But im so contradicting I want the perfect life humble and in love but I want the rich show off and have everyone want me life style. I swear I have a split personality disorder.

Being friends with a princess

Being friends with a girl who has low self esteem and anger issues is harder than it seems. They seem to want all the attention on them and around me being my friend its difficult. Always comparing themself to me expecting compliments when getting ready trying to take the attention off me when we are out. I really don't mind I get attention whenever I want even when I don't want it. But I don't like feeling like this is a competition. Anywho last night with the sugar daddy's turned into a 3 some with the princess not something I really wanted to do. I just wanted to sleep but she ended up naked next to the guy and purposely she asked to request a one huge bed. Whatever I guess but im going to have to do this "thing" on my own. I don't really want to drag her into this and I don't think she gets the point of manipulation towards these stupid men. Its not about sleeping with them this is the first time I did it, ugh. The point is to play with their mind and make them think ONE day they'll get it and if they don't like it kick them to the curb. My goal is find one, that fits my description and necessity and get married. Totally against what I think my purpose is but im so lost right now and this is what im living right now. God I know im doing wrong, and im sorry. I just don't always get the purpose of life.

A new day with a new sugar daddy

So I guess its immature to. Carry a teddy bear with me around according to my best friend. It kinda sucks this guy is my guy and she still wants all the attention, ill deal with it inc guys bare one in a million for me.. but I guess I learn alot from observing her. Well see how tonight goes we getting a hotel for jacuzzii

Waking up around pot heads and crack addict

Even out of the mental hospital im around people who wake and bake looking for heroin bags and smoking weed and popping pills. Im trying to hold my breathe and ignore it and not getba second hand high. I hate the smell now. I just want to get out and do something active but im restricted I don't want my friend to think im abandoning her. I guess I found out yesterday jason told her the truth about me stripping in az, I tried to hide my past in Arizona and start new here but problems follow until you deal with them. Well see what happens I have a few sugar daddies asking to meet me, one asking me to be submissive and move in I have no idea what that means sounds good but then I don't want to be a slave either Idk well see. Well I guess well see what happens this week.

Even after mental instititue

I still feel suicidal like no one cares they pretend but in the end human nature is to put yourself first I feel like im just here viewing everything around me. Im just here... for no reason. I get attention for my beautiful but its accomidating to them, but what about me I want meaningful attention. Im not a bad person but im not good, im visible but very invisible. Drinking is bad I understand but that's when I most understand my thoughts and needs. Who am I and what good does it do to be ignored around these less attractive Gill sometimes (not nice to say) but I don't want to JUST be here. And have no one to love and no one to love me.

Three days in a mental instittue

I came across alot of interesting things actually wrote a journal but forgot it there to blog but eventually I will remember everything my roommates Lisa and Dayle the people I came across and interesting stories and insist I gave. The point were I was medicated and tried to put myself in a" crazy" persons shoes, to the nigh mare I had where something was pulling my blanket off. Interesting experience.. I went in because I went back to my cutting habits and got the cops called on me. Now im here chilling with Julies friends that are playing music I want to sing so bad. Ill update you in more details later im a lil drunk hahah after aa classes wow. I surprise myself.

Party party

So my life is one big party, met the sexy guys from Massachusetts. Nice guys, and mike (my guy) sexy body. They left kinda glad I really don't want to like someone right now. I Need to get my shit together though and stop drinking and get back to my intentions. Im so easily distracted though agh. But well see. No crazy stories besides getting drunk and having fun, crying at, "work" as usual.