Tailar left

Also tailar left... she said our friendship was fading.. its not that its just my heart n mind are numb. Im alone again in florida... no friends... everyone left to go see their families... I can't bare to see mine... it will only hurt more.. I decided to spend christmas alone. Its okay im used to lonely holidays... just wish I knew how to make more friends and not just bar friends.. well tailar left for the better hoping she progresses at her moms... she was starting to lie alot.. and getting back into drugs and things.. I kinda started trying coke.. (when I got too drunk) so I've decided to stay away from alcohol.. maybe one or two drinks... ugh. I got so shit faced the other day.. I ended up being a creeper and going into billy's room and I guess kissing on him(im so embaressed) but what can I do I can't take it back.. guess it was a drunk routine to hop in his bed.. which isn't good maybe I ruined the perfect relationship with all my issues and bad habits. But im not going to beat myself up. Good and bad things happen and life goes on...

so me and billy broke up

He actually broke up with me... after leaving me at his house for four hours with no warning.. I kind of saw it coming but I only pushed the situation by going to jacksonville with a old customer who liked me and was going to pay for my time... being the brat that I am and alcoholic.. I got drunk n mean to customer thought he left and left with these other guys who would take me n my friend home the next day. Well I text billy being honest he blows up cursing ( first time he ever cursed at me) and broke up with me. I don't get it everything was so perfect I spent thanksgiving with him we went shopping.. I was working on trying to express myself more and be more open... I guess that's why I stopped trying in the first place... because of this.. another heartache.. another reason to cry and think ill never fall in love. Ill always be the girl everyone is afraid to love or takes for granted. This world is so lonely.. if its not my loss they want.. its their own selfish motives.. I don't want to give my heart.. but I want someone to earn it :( I really thought he was the one to at least open my eyes to better begginings.

Thanksgiving 2012

First thanksgiving I ever spend with a bf besides being alone or with family or friends when younger. Wasn't what I expected it to be. Not saying it wasn't great the food and company were awesome! But I couldn't help but think about the turkey days I had growing up good and bad. I'm drinking and on mdication for uti (I'm not suppposed to) but whatever. But what I'm trying to get at is the end of the night me billy n erica get into a conversation about life its purpose and decisions. (Of course I do nothing but listen) and I feel billy is bothered by it. And I don't blame him sometimes my thoughts and emotions don't make sense sometimes I don't want to think I don't want to feel. They re talking about purpose and idk mine still. I have a idea but what if I'm wrong. Even writing this I can't express my feelings. But as much as I can express my thoughts through writtten words I can lessly express through spoken speech. I wish I knew what to say every tim someone asked me a question. I wish I knew what people meant when they said it.

a girl with more issues than me

Me and raven have had our talks about our past. Mine is I can't tell the difference between reality and what false emotions and memories I have implanted in my head. Hers are far more worse. She was raped by her step dad at 11 until she was 16. Finally came up with a plan to catch him in fear of disbelief and retaliation on his part. Every time she sees a girl within that age she cries especially when she drinks. She becomes almost like my second personality joanna. Very aggressive and non tolerant. Except she cries far more worse than me. And very beligerant. Today I let her paint my nails im guessing she had already been drinking besides the fact she did fake ecstasy yesterday with a escort friend from atlanta. Lol my nails are black with cool cracking gold polish on top. I didn't even want to watch her paint my nails as I knew the results. Haha my feet were almost all black but I let her to distract her.

Here at coconuts

With my friends shit faced wasted I drank just as much as them and im sober. I think im officially a alcoholic..

Starting to shift into reality

After realizing my life is falling into a deep hole im trying to shift into a more positive aspect of life. I realized why I came here and if I can't do what my first intentions are then I must leave back to Arizona. Its hard to make friends then again try anew and realize sometimes they might not be the people for you. I don't like being around the whole drug scene its just not me. Watching people on it while im sober scared me. I don't want to be this caniving bitch, using a guy who I later on found out was a good guy. I got to let it roll out and let this play its course. Started going to church a little praying alot more. Today I spent the day with billy and the night. No we still have not had sex. :) yay. I was supposed to go to confess today but I didn't tomorrow im still going to church though just got to make an appointment with priest. Well wish me luck back to my baby. :)

Miami for a week

Pretty cool very fun. Went to a few clubs and bars. We stayed in the vice presidential suite amazing view. I did molly for the first time (my first time was supposedly with julie but I lied and pretended I was too scared) I liked it though so much better than extacy. Did it almost everyday I didn't trip until the night I smoked weed. Thoughts and thoughts and thoughts kept rushing in. I kept talking to josh oh btw the guys we came with we met were from the strip club. Ended up being really cool people. Josh paid for everyone and everything. He not once tried to even think of disrespecting me. I appreciated it alot. First guy to not try anything and no he's not gay. But still even though we go out I can't help but want everyones attention. Now im confused do I want someone to like.. or someone who will give me a good life. But after this" vacation" I need to get my things together. Im thinking maybe the army to pay off my school or find a live in sugardaddy or sugar daddy to pay my rent while I get a Real job. And go back to school Idk but I need to hurry. Im thinking of living in Miami Idk everything a clutter ill see. Anywho maybe clear water tomorrow with felix ( possible sugar daddy)

Agh

So right now my situation is being in cocoa beach with ready no place to stay. I stay everywhere hotels friends house keiths mansion but im not set anywhere. God has blessed my ridiculous life style and provided me with a place to stay every night. Even when I ran off until 7 am drunk met a completely unknown stranger who offered me his (of course male) hotel room and spare bed. He did try and cuddle and touch me but once I brushed him off he got the hint. Then I meet this cool surfer dude from work and he's teaching me how to surf but it makes me uneasy because I know what he wants. I had no place to shower and get ready for work and he also got a hotel and let me hygiene myself. He has money and I know I want to do the whole sugardaddy thing but I just can't have sex sober. And I don't want to. He wants to take me to Puerto Rico to surf I don't mind but no sex.. and not even kissing. Idk my life style is crazy I really need to settle down and get my stuff together so I can have my happily ever after. But im so contradicting I want the perfect life humble and in love but I want the rich show off and have everyone want me life style. I swear I have a split personality disorder.

Being friends with a princess

Being friends with a girl who has low self esteem and anger issues is harder than it seems. They seem to want all the attention on them and around me being my friend its difficult. Always comparing themself to me expecting compliments when getting ready trying to take the attention off me when we are out. I really don't mind I get attention whenever I want even when I don't want it. But I don't like feeling like this is a competition. Anywho last night with the sugar daddy's turned into a 3 some with the princess not something I really wanted to do. I just wanted to sleep but she ended up naked next to the guy and purposely she asked to request a one huge bed. Whatever I guess but im going to have to do this "thing" on my own. I don't really want to drag her into this and I don't think she gets the point of manipulation towards these stupid men. Its not about sleeping with them this is the first time I did it, ugh. The point is to play with their mind and make them think ONE day they'll get it and if they don't like it kick them to the curb. My goal is find one, that fits my description and necessity and get married. Totally against what I think my purpose is but im so lost right now and this is what im living right now. God I know im doing wrong, and im sorry. I just don't always get the purpose of life.

A new day with a new sugar daddy

So I guess its immature to. Carry a teddy bear with me around according to my best friend. It kinda sucks this guy is my guy and she still wants all the attention, ill deal with it inc guys bare one in a million for me.. but I guess I learn alot from observing her. Well see how tonight goes we getting a hotel for jacuzzii

Waking up around pot heads and crack addict

Even out of the mental hospital im around people who wake and bake looking for heroin bags and smoking weed and popping pills. Im trying to hold my breathe and ignore it and not getba second hand high. I hate the smell now. I just want to get out and do something active but im restricted I don't want my friend to think im abandoning her. I guess I found out yesterday jason told her the truth about me stripping in az, I tried to hide my past in Arizona and start new here but problems follow until you deal with them. Well see what happens I have a few sugar daddies asking to meet me, one asking me to be submissive and move in I have no idea what that means sounds good but then I don't want to be a slave either Idk well see. Well I guess well see what happens this week.

Even after mental instititue

I still feel suicidal like no one cares they pretend but in the end human nature is to put yourself first I feel like im just here viewing everything around me. Im just here... for no reason. I get attention for my beautiful but its accomidating to them, but what about me I want meaningful attention. Im not a bad person but im not good, im visible but very invisible. Drinking is bad I understand but that's when I most understand my thoughts and needs. Who am I and what good does it do to be ignored around these less attractive Gill sometimes (not nice to say) but I don't want to JUST be here. And have no one to love and no one to love me.

Three days in a mental instittue

I came across alot of interesting things actually wrote a journal but forgot it there to blog but eventually I will remember everything my roommates Lisa and Dayle the people I came across and interesting stories and insist I gave. The point were I was medicated and tried to put myself in a" crazy" persons shoes, to the nigh mare I had where something was pulling my blanket off. Interesting experience.. I went in because I went back to my cutting habits and got the cops called on me. Now im here chilling with Julies friends that are playing music I want to sing so bad. Ill update you in more details later im a lil drunk hahah after aa classes wow. I surprise myself.

Party party

So my life is one big party, met the sexy guys from Massachusetts. Nice guys, and mike (my guy) sexy body. They left kinda glad I really don't want to like someone right now. I Need to get my shit together though and stop drinking and get back to my intentions. Im so easily distracted though agh. But well see. No crazy stories besides getting drunk and having fun, crying at, "work" as usual.

another heartbreak

L<p>Im very picky with who I choose to like, and jonathan was the last guy I liked, and I liked him for almost four years. Then I come to Florida and meet this great guy. He was perfect! Everything and more I ever wanted in a guy, almost too good to be true and now I come to find out he was. We talked almost every night on the phone, texted all the time had great conversations. I swore this one was different. We never slept together we never did more than kiss every once in a while. I don't know how he could just lie to me and make me think he liked me too. I don't know its just so sudden, we were just testing yesterday. Im afraid maybe he found out I was dancing again... it sucks. Im really torn and hurt I cried I want to keep crying but I can't let myself. I don't want to keep being the pretty girl everyone wants but never loves. God please send me a great man. Please.. I know I don't deserve one but that's all ib ask for. Help me better myself. Love myself.

I missed mass today but i prayed

since I've been here I came with good intentions. To come and leave a new person. But now I wonder if I should use all my worst for the best of me. I mean that has always been my intentions.. but I've fallen again. As you know.

I've been confused, my intentions and thoughts. Keep going in circles and circles. So I got on my knees b got for guideness and a scripture to randomly open.. and in the future I need to reread this and keep reading it to remind myself

Ezequiel. 33 1-9,

Oh and another thought

As I started to daydream and I was thinking about when I publish my book and what not and get on a show where they interview me and they ask me a question like. " and where do you get these ideas and why do you believe them"

My response would be"  I don't know"

Crazy right then they would try and embaress me with some kind of comment and I would reply

"Well I don't know, how do we know anything. I don't believe everything I see, I believe only half of what I hear. Just like the people who don't believe in god their only reason is they haven't seen or heard him. So why would I believe everything a human says, writes, or" finds". Because all of our facts are first based off theories, which then get tested proved and unproved. The only known fact that we know exists are the material of which we are created, and astrology everything besides that is a theory. The theories on all the historical beliefs, religions, buildings, writings, languages, so much is gone and we create our own ideas and prove them right accordingly to the evidence found that we somehow manipulate to match and make sense hence creating these IDEAS. But everything we think we know we don't. We weren't made to know everything.

And of course that would turn into another big discussion where I wouldn't know how to reply Haha.

Ok so for today I think im done thinking lol

:)

Feeling/sensation of bugs crawling on you

Do you ever get that sensation of bugs crawling under your skin. I do ALOT and I hate it, must be some medical term for it or whatever im sure I've researched it and forgot. But in my weird little head of ideas and weird illogical thinking the reason I feel the bugs and they really feel like bugs not a twitch, is because im already dead. My body is buried and right now what im living is the rerun of my life maybe like a second chance to save my soul. ( which also explains the sensation of dejavu) well at least in my crazy little head I know its not. Dejavu from what I remember is when one side of the brain takes longer to process a memory that reminds you of that exact moment you are "reaccuring" and gives the sensation that you already lived that experience.. something around those lines. Idk. Just thought I would blog it before I forgot. As I was laying and got the little bug sensation on my stomach while looking out the window finishing up my previous blog.

Guys

I love them especially the sexy ones. But I can never get past the three day rule. The first time you hang out its cute, the second night you might kiss.. and then the third day they want a REAL kiss ( you know lounge and stuff) but I never really anticipate that day. Even though I should I really don't. Because now in our generation after a kiss there's really nothing much more to anticipate but sex. And I know its hard to believe but in all honesty I come to hate sex more and more. Willingly and sober I have never had sex. The only time would probably be my first time (when I lost my virginity) and with my tattoo guy recently from phoenix. (The first time I was a little drunk and the second time I was sober) he could tell I wasn't all there the second time I even cut it short and we didn't finish. Maybe 2 more times with other guys I don't think I can remember but I am sure that I didn't finish, or enjoy it. Maybe I can remember even crying when I sober up during sex. Or pretending I fall asleep so they will stop.

Sex should be something I enjoy as a human being... and anticipate with someone special. But anytime I've tried I can't. Maybe I haven't found the special person, and even when I like a guy I can't.

Like Jonathan, the guy I've liked for so long and so much even had to have a few drinks before I could, imagine that's almost 4 years with him.

Lately, here in Florida I don't even want to meet guys what for I don't want to date them, idont want to sleep with them. I guess it might be the fact that I don't have anything to anticipate. I hate this generation, I remember being 15 anticipating my first kiss, thinking I was going to wait til marriage for sex. Then I turned 18 met the biggest asshole of my life ( thought the cutest) and then I became just like everyone else.

Its so common now to sleep around meet someone no strings attached no feelings, and EXPECT sex from someone you barley know. and as hard as I want to push myself into this norm of thinking I can't. Ill never want to be the girl that got to sleep with a famous person I want to be the girl the famous person married. I don't want to say oh yah I slept with him I want to say oh ya hes a great guy.

I know I've had my share and countless numbers of relations which im not proud of but what's even more shameful I can't remember ever really enjoying myself.

Im still the girl that closes her eyes in a movie when nude pops up or sex ( kissing I can handle but not nudity)

I am a weird child lol. But maybe one day once I get my thoughts and life together ill puzzle it all together and make the best of the worst that I lived. Because god blessed me into a wonderful home, im the one that made a mess of things.

Thinking back to elementary and middle school the only thing I ever wanted was to fit in, and as hard as I try even to this day I still can't.

On the outside im the girl everyone wants to date, love, and show off. Some actually want to get to know me, they say im beautiful, kind, smart, different. It "seems" they know me. But I don't even know myself. I know my dreams, my intentions, I break my morals, I try and overcome all my obstacles through sacrificing alot of my thoughts and feelings and opinions to matters.

And I pretend to fit in, when inside im dying to run away.

the day i bought my ball pythons

so today i bought my ball pythons, spent every last dollar to buy them for the photo shoot i have planned with the aphrodite theme.

right now im trying to compare and find things that link aphrodite with a snake,

What a snake symbolizes,

The snake goddess statue

The snake in the egyption culture.. the one who is the daughter of ra and his wife that is represented with horns.

*greeks used snakes in healing rituals
*This copper snake according to the Biblical text is wrapped around a pole and used for healing. Book of Numbers 21:9 

I know i might feel a little crazy trying to link everything together its almost impossible but knowledge never hurt anyone.


i loved that i found this quote though "The serpent is one of the oldest and most widespread mythological symbols. The word is derived from Latin serpens, a crawling animal or snake. Snakes have been associated with some of the oldest rituals known to humankind^[1] and represent dual expression^[2] of good and evil.^[3]

but before i even looked up snakes i was looking at mine and wondering and asking myself the same thing. in my religion snakes are saught to be sneaky and deceiving and terrifying, (ill admit i was a bit frightend to buy them)

but i looked at them and noticed they had personalities (both of which i consist of) the cute nice shy one, and then the more aggresive, strong, determined one. ) i was associating myself with them and thought of the "dual expression"

now im just trying to find names for them.

Panic attacks

The sensation of guilt fear and going crazy. The reason for this is the less blood in the brain heads,toward the body that needs it, like the adreline rush. Most of the times whrre the panic attack starts you want to fight or flight the situation, I guess that explains my blackouts and running when I drink I assume that I,had a panic attack and would,take,off running

Myself the day i watched "silenced"

I've taught myself to conquer most situations. But when I'm alone there's no more pretending. I can convince others and sometimes myself. But when I'm alone I feel it alll heavier then I would at the moment. No one to trust no one to love no one to talk to. I left to try anew but people will be people. I lose my hope and strengths. Then one day I'm great. Maybe I'm bi polar maybe I'm just still getting settled in.. this risk I took this life I chose is one bigger than I had hoped

Also this movie silienced disgusts me human perversion
Has become so animal like. What is becoming of human kind

The night after inner room

My first night dancing at inner room, afterwards I'm hanging out eith julie, corona mike and a dancer she is singing and playing the guitar. Awsome voice 39 looks like she's at leat 26 awsome voice so inspiring and mind bobbling how ppl are outside of work. It inspires me to play the guitar... that your never too old.. I'm afraid of growing old.. but time isn't a limit.. time is life.. and everyday we can learn something new... I want to follow my words and learn the guitar.
I'm only human we all make mistakes.. I forgive you we are all human we all make mistakes.. that's her lyrics..

In the middle of the night

Through the thoughts of my research I must remember not to loose my faith and forget my teachings. I must remind myself why I am doing what I am doing and keep in prayer and ask to not be mislead or to be in fear. I must remember the main reason is not to prove to myself there is a god. I know this but to put myself in everyone elses shoes and see from their eyes and return to them their faith through my personal experience and findings. Like right now my phone should be dead as always I wanted to remember my thoughts but knew in the morning I would forget. I didn't even want to reach for my phone "knowing" it would be dead. But something told me that because I MUST remember these thoughts it would still be on... and look.. I am writing. I must remeber to keep myself in gods hands and trust in him, not believe I know everything and definately not convince myself. To not grow weak in a situation but remember why I am in that situation. To not look down on myself because god is forgiving and he sent his only son to die for the forgiveness of our sins and mary the virgin the mother to pray for us all. Remember the pilgrimages, remember your experiences. Do not become astray

Motivation

I seem to lose and gain motivation at the blink of an eye. I struggle to stay focused and to know what I am actually working towards. I feel like my morals and my ideas clash. Like I'm two people in one. One wants to be this positive idol. While the other is seeking fame and a big name. Yes it sounds crazy both ideas don't usually pertain to every person. But for some reason I think I'm special that ican accomplish anything. Maybe its just the crazy side of me.. the desperate to get ahead... whatever it takes followed by a good story. I need to keep god close... he is the reason I'm still here.. I still blackout I found that out Saturday.. the last I remember is dancing at the club then somehow I ended up running away from the people I was with and ended up getting lost. Cuts and bruises all over my body. And no recolation of why I did it. (No one put anything in my drink) just another "karen" moment. I'm talking to evelyn again. Found out she heard rumors I came here because I'm prego ha funny. But anywho goodnight

Feelings at night

The feeling of anxiety overcomes me. My sins drown me in darkness and the room becomes hot. I start to hear things and fear quiets my thoughts and overwhelms my body. I pray and even more it attacks me the feeling of not being worthy of his mercy or precence. But a voice inside tells me that "there is nothing love cannot face" and that is greater than any love there is. Is the love of god. The feeling of calm and tears of joy. When all the faces of the peopke you love appear in your mind because he has blessed you with them. My mother, my grandparents,and the love I need to learn... to love myself. So I play worship music in the night of anoyance... talking to god in my thoughts... sweeping out the evil this night. Because every night is a battle... when you want to call someone to talk to, to vanquish these feelings and moment to spur the thoughts. But no one is around and the only person I should seek is god I want to trust him. And have my faith yell out to him. And feel I only need him. Senor mio dios mio. Ten piedad de mi.

date number one sd/sb

so yesterday was the first date off the sugar daddy website. i made sure there was a knife in my purse jsut in case he was a weirdo. he picked me up and the first thing i see is his car.i was disappointed to not see a newer car, it was an older mercedes and not the clasical older but older like umm get a ypgrade older. so we leave to the restaurant and hes looking up places im like ok lets test him. we try to go to a nice italian place but they close at ten. ok so then we decide apple bees. ( i am so hungry from starving myself at home im too embarressed to eat too much since i dont pay for groceries) so i didnt care. we both order the sirloin skip dessert because dessert awaited me. i kept telling myself "karen play your part dont be overwhekmed do it like the movies" i did pretty good convincing myself. so we go to wlmart and uy chocholate icecream bars and strawberries and champagne. we go to the hotel were he requesta room with a jacuzzi. it was like the movies i cant  except i dint not want to see him naked i told myself so hard to keep my composure and compared to other times i did. i didnt cry and i didnt think i "acted" the whole time. thank god there where bubbles in the jacuzzi thouhg. then he wanted a massage and fell asleep. thank god nothing else happend. i swear god blesses me more than i deserve. the next morning i feard since i did not do what most girls do he would refuse to pay me or talk to me everagin. so i just waited to see how things oannd out. he fortunately gave me money and liked me very much.

i hate to do this to myself, but i just really haveto come on top of everything. hopefully i can stay strong and keep my wittyness and acting up. see how long it lasts me until i am totally on my feet. at least with a car that s my number one goal out here in florida.

god blesae have mercy on my less deserving soul. help me accomplish everything i seek. and that this road i take takes me to the path of what i must really do.  let me find you god, and let me find myself.

t

intro Self Reality

Time never ceases, and memories only increase. Its hard to understand life when anything and everything is possible. Understanding the concept that we must "grow up" is harder to grasp than we originally thought. You recall that moment when you were five, when you thought everyone was born into what they are. The cashier lady was just a cashier, you never took the time to wonder what her life was like outside of work. You knew her as a worker. Or our middle school teachers, they weren't considered real people it was a joke to imagine a teacher in the real world doing anything but teaching and when you saw them at the store it was like seeing a unicorn shopping. But behind these invalid ideas and media driven lifestyles we all thought we were "supposed" to compare our lives to. most of our lives were more of a soap opera. At least mine was and only continues to be. In the toddler years you only remember the good memories. Maybe we want to erase the bad memories and live "normal". But as Freud said in his theories that everything in our adolescence affects the person we grow to be.

The family councilors are telling our parents not to yell in front of us, not to fight, but did they ever stop to do so? And if they did would that change the way we perceive or react to things now. Our parents were always our idols, so why when our parents divorce does it take such a dramatic course on us.. who are "left behind". Yes, My parents divorced when I was five, the only thing I remember while they were together is singing in a circle at school The Wheels on the bus go round and round. Or the pictures and shows that reminded me of different events like sleeping with the grasshoppers I caught in a pickle jar and waking up to them dead because I forgot they needed bigger holes to breathe. Or the smell of the lasagna my dad would cook when we weren't eating Peaunt Butter and Jelly sandwhiches or was it grilled cheese? My memories are fading but I guess its the concept of the matter that is important. My dog King... I remember him, I just dont remember how he disappeard? Maybe he died, maybe he got lost, maybe they told me, Maybe I dont want to remember. He was a gorgeous large German Shepard, My passion was always animals and until this day it is animals. ( i literally sit here today listening to my sugar glider hop around her cage and i have to smell her weird stench and listen to her nibbling on the orange slice i gave her hoping it wont make her ill)

My thoughts are very disorganized, and my memories are scattered, I cant even put my jobs on a resume correctly because 1. I have had many jobs, and 2. i lose track of time. But I will try to pin point everything put it in order and hope all goes well. If not maybe only the scatter brains in my click will understand what I am saying. and hey if thats a good amount of people than koodos to me. But I plan to recognize the goods, the bads, and still show appreciation for all that I have lived, and all that I have learned. Of course exaggerating my emotions into some parts, but its my life from my point of view from what i remember. Just as each and everyone of us does and sometimes wish they knew the reality of what our thoughts and emotions mix to create our "self reality".